NOTE: I wish somebody had given me these tips 20 years ago. Here I share some tips I have found useful for handling interpersonal conflict.**

Paradigm    Conflict Starters    Handling Conflict     Do’s and Don’ts

Paradigms about interpersonal conflict

Interpersonal conflicts arise with practically everybody we interact with on a sustained basis e.g. spouse, siblings, child/parent, boss/subordinate, coworkers, student/teacher.

Old Paradigm: interpersonal conflict is
          a) bad, b) avoidable, and c) destructive.

New Paradigm: interpersonal conflict is
          a) natural, b) unavoidable, and c) opportunity for personal growth.

The new paradigm recognizes that conflicts can be destructive, if mishandled. However, when handled with sensitivity and "assertiveness", conflicts provide opportunities for building better relations, for change and renewal.

If interpersonal conflicts are a part of everyday life, and can be destructive, it only makes sense to have education about handling them.

What is interpersonal conflict?

An interpersonal conflict occurs when two persons, in a mutually dependent relationship, have incompatible desires or needs. Examples:

1. Your wife wants to go to theater with you but you want to stay home to finish a report your boss needs next morning.

2. You want to go to an Ivy League college but your parents can only afford a state college.

Conflict Starters:

There are six recognized categories of conflict starter issues:

1. Intimacy Issues: Affection and sex.
   Example: You want to be welcomed home after a long day at work but your spouse is busy too busy with the kids and the cat that she hardly notices when you come home.
    

2. Power Issues: Jealousy, possessiveness, excessive demands.
   Example: Your spouse is too close to his blood relatives. You would like him to be almost all to yourself.
    

3. Personal Flaws Issues: Drinking/smoking, personal grooming, driving style.
   Example: Your spouse has to watch your driving because s/he thinks you drive recklessly.
    

4. Personal Distance Issues: Away from home due to job or education.
   Example: Your job requires too much traveling. Your family wants to see you around more.
    

5. Social Issues: Politics, social causes, in-laws.
   Example: Your spouse is actively campaigning for George Bush for President but you are supporter of Bush's opponent. 
    

6. Distrust Issues: Previous romances, lying.
   Example: Earlier romances. Contacts with opposite sex at work or in social situations.
    

Conflicts Occur at Two Levels Simultaneously:

Most conflicts occur at two levels simultaneously: a) content level and b) power (or relationship) level. Content level refers to straight-forward situations that present themselves. An example of a content issue will be that garbage needs to be taken out. At the power level, it becomes an issue of power relationship such as hierarchy, a prestige and face saving. The relational level involves underlying problems related to the relationship between the parties and are commonly related to power, trust and affection issues.

Conflict outcomes tend to be of two types:

1. Win-win: Both parties are satisfied.

2. Lose-lose: Neither party is satisfied.

2a: Win-lose: One party is satisfied (in the short term), the other is not. However, over longer term, it often evolves into a lose-lose situation. (Example: You force your daughter to come home early because you don't like her friends. Next times she withholds information about her friends so as not to give you ammunition. The degraded communication puts her at risk and causes you problems.)
 

What should we do when conflict starting issues arise?

1. Keep the conflict from escalating. Escalating conflicts turn into power conflicts; content conflicts rarely escalate.

2. Try to make conflict resolution a collaborative project aimed at a win-win solution.

3. Use DESC method to manage/resolve conflict.
    

Handling Conflict Using DESC Scripts

Describe objectively use only “rational” language. Avoid exaggerations (e.g. “always”, “never”, “nothing”, “can’t”), and metaphors (e.g. “trapped”, “picked on”).

Express in “I” language even when talking about other’s behavior. For example, instead of saying “you just don’t care”, say “I feel that you do not care.”

Specify how you would like it resolved. Keep focus on present/future. Remember, past cannot be undone.

Consequences: Mention negative and positive consequences of conflict and resolution.
 

Do’s and Don’ts of Managing Conflict:

1. Do try to be assertive (but not aggressive). Fight fair, being fair both to yourself and other person.

2. Do make conflict a collaborative effort because it is a joint problem.

3. Do make sure to keep focus on the issue at hand and not on who is right.

1. Don’t escalate into a power conflict or an impasse.

2. Don’t do “gunnysacking” i.e. mix in other issues.

3. Don’t use “crazymaking” or “silencers” yourself and stop such use by other person.

Appendix

Gunnysacking: Conflict strategy of storing up grievances -- as if in a gunnysack -- and holding them in readiness to dump on the other person in conflict.

Crazymaking Styles:

1.  Doublebind (Damned if you do, damned if you don't).

2. Guiltmaking

3. Pseudo accommodating (Making promises but not intended to keep).

4. Non-engagement (Actively not participating).

5. Sniping

6. Mindreading

7. Thinging (You other person for his/her things).

8. Occasional reinforce.

9. Joking inappropriately

10. Trivial tyrannizing (Pushing button etc.)

Silencers: A tactic of excessive emotional display (such as crying) that literally silences the other person in the conflict.
 

*Parts of this article are adapted and excerpted from Interpersonal Communication Handbook, (© 2004, Pearson Custom Publishing, Boston, MA.) written by Wright State University’s Department of Communication professors B. Robinson and J. Alexander.

**The scope of this article is quite limited. The general topic of conflict and resolution is, in fact, very broad and complex.
 

Updated: 06 Dec, 2005

© 2005 Suresh Chandra

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