Do you act like a doormat, or like a steamroller, or a doormat-with-spikes, or like a pillar-of-stability in communicating with others? These are the metaphors for the four interpersonal communication styles termed passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive, and assertive. Check yourself out against the Table below to see what your style is.

The word assertiveness is often confused with aggressiveness. In the context of interpersonal communication, there is a fundamental difference between the two. Aggressiveness is getting what you want without regard for others. Assertiveness, on the other hand, means standing up for your own rights with equal regard for rights of others. Passive people allow themselves to be taken advantage of and disrespected by others. The passive-aggressive pretend to be passive only to get you later. Did you figure out which style you are? Actually, most of us use every one of the four communication styles at different times and depending on the situation. Still, we tend to have one dominant style.
 

Interpersonal Communication Styles*
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Out of the four communication styles, assertiveness clearly stands out as the best style for most of us most of the time. Why? Because assertiveness is most conducive for good long-term relationships, most synergy, most satisfaction, least guilt, most effectiveness, and most mutual respect. One definition of assertiveness is that it is the ability to share the full range of your thoughts and feelings with confidence and skill without judging or dictating to others. Although assertiveness is the best communication style most of the time, there can be situations when the other styles may be more appropriate e.g. in sports, certain business and diplomatic situations.

Techniques of Assertiveness:

There are three main techniques of assertiveness:

1. Broken Record: Calmly repeating what you want or don’t want, over and over again, demonstrates persistence without upset or defensiveness.
   Example Dialog:
       Salesman: “Would you like to buy this encyclopedia?”
       You: “Thank you but I am not interested.”
       Salesman: “Your children will love it.”
       You: “I am not interested.”
       Salesman: “Sir, it is a great bargain.”
       You: “I am not interested.”
       Salesman: “Don’t you care about saving time and money?”
       You: “Thank you. I am not interested.”
    

2. Fogging: Acceptance of manipulative criticism by calmly acknowledging to your critic the probability that there may be some truth in what s/he says, yet allows you to be the judge of what you do.
   Example:
       Child: “You just don’t care about me. All the other children have video iPods.”
       You: “You’re right. I don’t care.”
    

3. Negative Inquiry: Active prompting of criticism in order to use the information (if helpful) or exhaust it (if manipulative) while encouraging your critic to be more assertive and say what s/he thinks.
   Example:
       Employee to boss: “Is there something I should have done to deserve
       a promotion?”

Assertive Format: Assertive format involves the “I” language (as opposed to “you” language) that uses as objective descriptions as possible, along with one’s own emotions and desires. For example, saying “I feel upset because I find the work not done on time” as opposed to “you make me upset because you don’t do work on time.”

Assertive Rights and Responsibilities:

It is important to recognize that the rights and responsibilities go together to be considered assertive. The rights without responsibilities become aggressive. Thus together, they are:
 

Assertive Rights and Responsibilities**
Rights	Responsibilities
You have the right to: 1. Be the judge of your own behavior 2. To express your beliefs and feelings [use "I" language statements] 3. To ask for respect 4. To give self credit [Don't be self-effacing] 5. Say: "I don't know"             "I don't understand"             "I can't help you"             "I don't care"             "No!" 6. Change your mind with more information   7. make mistakes [but own them] 8. Offer no justification   9. Be disliked 10. Decide not to be assertive	You have the responsibility to: To allow others differernt opinions To be constructive [be specific] To give respect [to others] To give others credit     To be sensitive to others   To explain the changes to people who are affected by the change To allow others to make mistakes To deal with the consequences of your behavior To listen to others To be flexible
**From: B. Robinson & J. Alexander, Interpersonal Communication Handbook, © 2004, Pearson Custom Publishing, Boston, MA.