In a Nutshell
Too many of us fail to talk
to others about the problems that they create for us because we don't want
to sour a relationship. Consequently, the underlying conflict isn't
addressed, and other parties unknowingly create hassles and frustrations
for us. To eliminate those problems, we need to tactfully confront
the conflict and work toward a mutually agreeable resolution. First
we need to clarify for ourselves exactly what it is that the other party
does and how it creates a problem for us. Then, we need to explain
the problem to the other party in a way that reduces their defensiveness,
and collaborate with them to find a
solution.
In This Issue
Good
Reasons Not To Be a Conflict Avoider
Are you a conflict avoider?
Do you hope that unspoken conflict will go away if you just ignore it?
Do you convince yourself that the conflict that's causing problems for
you can't be resolved, so there's no point in confronting it? I would
really encourage you to tactfully confront unspoken conflict rather than
avoid it.
Most of us appreciate and
have more respect for people who tactfully confront the problems that we
create for them. Admittedly, we sometimes get defensive when confronted,
but you can help us avoid being defensive (see below). We really
don't want to create frustration and stress for you, and if you would just
let us know how we could help, we'd like to try. Besides, the problems
that we create for you might also affect other people now or in the future,
so making a change could actually help us.
Tactfully confronting conflict
tends to strengthen relationships. Harmony achieved through conflict
avoidance is artificial and dishonest. Confronting conflict increases
the openness and, therefore, the closeness in a relationship.
How long can you keep your
frustration bottled up anyway, and what happens when you let it out?
If you avoid confronting conflict for too long, you risk health problems
and a blow up with the other party. I once spoke to a local personnel
manager who wanted team building training for her staff. Conflict
was poorly handled in her organization. She told my colleague and
me about one young staffer who was loathe to confront the conflict she
had with a coworker, and the stress ultimately made her physically ill
and unable to work for weeks! Obviously, one option for getting it
off your chest is talking to a third party about the problem. But,
where's the integrity in that? How would you feel if you found out
that a coworker was complaining about something that you did behind your
back? Furthermore, you don't want to wait until you're fed up with
the other party and then unload on them. When that happens, you've
become the problem.
Finally, if you are a manager
or any other person in authority, resolving conflicts is part of your role.
The responsibility to resolve conflicts and promote harmonious interactions
among group members coincides with the authority and privilege of being
a leader.
Conflict:
A Puzzle to Solve, Not a Battle to Fight
One definition of interpersonal
conflict says that it results when the goal-directed behavior of one party
interferes with the goal-directed behavior of another. To make that
definition fit every conflict situation, the term "goal" has to be interpreted
very broadly to mean anything that people would like to have occur.
For instance, goals in this context must include things like having a pleasant
working environment, receiving a certain perk, being treated with respect,
getting a particular task completed, etc.
Notice that the definition
of interpersonal conflict makes no reference to fighting or losing.
When we reflect on conflicts that we've observed in the workplace, we readily
recall fights, winners and losers. However, not all conflict results
in fights.
To build harmonious relationships
and improve organizational functioning, it's much more useful for parties
in conflict to view their conflict as a puzzle to be solved collaboratively
rather than a fight to be won.
Use
Language That Reduces Defensiveness
When confronting a conflict
you have with another party, supportive communication and "owning the problem"
reduces their defensiveness. The March 2 LeaderLetter
summarized the principles of supportive communication. For instance,
supportive communication addresses problems rather than attacking people,
describes actions and situations rather than judging them, notes specific
occurrences and situations rather than general patterns, follows a consistent
line of discussion rather than jumping around, and involves two-way discussion.
One advantage of such communication is that it focuses attention on a problem
to be solved rather than the party who is causing the problem, which reduces
that party's defensiveness.
In addition, "owning the
problem" reduces defensiveness. When you need to confront a party
that has done something that causes frustration, disappointment or any
kind of displeasure for you, you can think of that displeasure as your
problem. That's what owning the problem means. Naturally, you
can just as easily say that the actions of the other party are their
problem. However, if you use the language of owning the problem
when you confront conflict, you will improve your chances of resolving
it in a mutually agreeable way. The other party will be less inclined
to react defensively if you draw attention to yourself and the problem
rather than putting them on the spot. When there's goodwill between
you and the other party, they will be happy to help you solve your problem.
Use
All of Your Collaborative, Creative Problem Solving Skills
Viewing conflict as a puzzle
or a problem to be solved collaboratively should help the parties in conflict
find creative solutions. Accordingly a creative, collaborative problem-solving
process should be used.
Source
Whetten, D. A., & Cameron,
K. S. (2002). Developing management skills, (5th ed.).
Upper Saddle River, NJ: Prentice-Hall.
About the Photo
Lennox Lewis punches Mike
Tyson during their World Heavyweight Championship bout, June 8, 2002.
(REUTERS/Jeff J Mitchell: e-mailed to me from Yahoo! News; news.yahoo.com.)
About
the Newsletter and Subscriptions
LeaderLetter is written
by Dr. Scott Williams, Department of Management, Raj
Soin College of Business, Wright State University, Dayton, Ohio.
It is a supplement to my MBA 751 - Managing People in Organizations class.
It is intended to reinforce the course concepts and maintain communication
among my former MBA 751 students, but anyone is welcome to subscribe.
In addition, subscribers are welcome to forward this newsletter to anyone
who they believe would have an interest in it. To subscribe,
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E-mail Your Comments
Whether you are one of my
former students or not, I invite you to share any insights or concerns
you have regarding the topic of this newsletter or any other topic relating
to management skills. Please e-mail
them to me. Our interactions have been invaluable. Lets keep
the conversation going.
Good, Clean Joke (or, at least a clean one)
TO: All Employees
FR: Human Resources
DT: Monday, June 10, 2002
RE: Revisions to the Employee Handbook
DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary,
if we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci bag
we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need
a raise.
SICK DAYS: We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
PERSONAL DAYS: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.
VACATION DAYS: All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.
OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two week's notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.
RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.
LUNCH BREAK: Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more to maintain their energy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, or input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week.