In a Nutshell
How often have we seen people
approach conflict situations with an aggressive, confrontational style
that exacerbates the problem? I've sure done it. I've attacked
people who I thought owed me an apology to later find out that there was
a misunderstanding or that the other party would have been happy to have
accommodated me. I end up being the one who apologizes in those cases.
To avoid problems such as
these, we need to tactfully confront conflict we have with others and work
toward a mutually agreeable resolution. First we need to clarify
for ourselves exactly what it is that the other party is doing and how
it creates a problem for us. Then, we need to explain the problem
to the other party in a way that reduces their defensiveness, and collaborate
with them to find a solution.
In This Issue
Bill Cowher's Blow Up
and Apology
Pittsburgh Steelers coach,
Bill Cowher (in the photo above), pulled a stunt on Sunday that few managers
could get away with. His team was beaten in overtime by the Tennessee
Titans, and he wasn't happy about the way in which the last few moments
of the game were handled by the officials. When the game ended, he
chased down an official on the field and yelled at him. Cowher wasn't
looking for a "win-win" solution to the problem. He wanted to voice
his frustration because he thought his team had been treated unfairly.
Cowher wanted to fight and win, and that attitude wasn't constructive.
He'll be fine over the long-run, but he definitely didn't gain anything
by confronting conflict in that way. It was Cowher who had to apologize
on Tuesday.1
Don't
Be a Conflict Avoider Either
Are you a conflict avoider?
Do you hope that unspoken conflict will go away if you just ignore it?
Do you convince yourself that the conflict that's causing problems for
you can't be resolved, so there's no point in confronting it? I would
really encourage you to tactfully confront unspoken conflict rather than
avoid it.
Most of us appreciate and
have more respect for people who tactfully confront the problems that we
create for them. Admittedly, we sometimes get defensive when confronted,
but you can help us avoid being defensive (see below). We really
don't want to create frustration and stress for you, and if you would just
let us know how we could help, we'd like to try. Besides, the problems
that we create for you might also affect other people now or in the future,
so making a change could actually help us.
Tactfully confronting conflict
tends to strengthen relationships. Harmony achieved through conflict
avoidance is artificial and dishonest. Confronting conflict increases
the openness and, therefore, the closeness in a relationship.
How long can you keep your
frustration bottled up anyway, and what happens when you let it out?
If you avoid confronting conflict for too long, you risk health problems
and a blow up with the other party. I once spoke to a local personnel
manager who wanted team building training for her staff. Conflict
was poorly handled in her organization. She told my colleague and
me about one young staffer who was loathe to confront the conflict she
had with a coworker, and the stress ultimately made her physically ill
and unable to work for weeks! Obviously, one option for getting it
off your chest is talking to a third party about the problem. But,
where's the integrity in that? How would you feel if you found out
that a coworker was complaining about something that you did behind your
back? Furthermore, you don't want to wait until you're fed up with
the other party and then unload on them. When that happens, you've
become the problem.
Finally, if you are a manager
or any other person in authority, resolving conflicts is part of your role.
The responsibility to resolve conflicts and promote harmonious interactions
among group members coincides with the authority and privilege of being
a leader.
Conflict:
A Puzzle to Solve, Not a Battle to Fight
One definition of interpersonal
conflict says that it results when the goal-directed behavior of one party
interferes with the goal-directed behavior of another. To make that
definition fit every conflict situation, the term "goal" has to be interpreted
very broadly to mean anything that people would like to have occur.
For instance, goals in this context must include things like having a pleasant
working environment, receiving a certain perk, being treated with respect,
getting a particular task completed, etc.
Notice that the definition
of interpersonal conflict makes no reference to fighting or losing.
When we reflect on conflicts that we've observed in the workplace, we readily
recall fights, winners and losers. However, not all conflict results
in fights.
To build harmonious relationships
and improve organizational functioning, it's much more useful for parties
in conflict to view their conflict as a puzzle to be solved collaboratively
rather than a fight to be won.
Get a Head Start: Build Rapport
When it comes time to approach
another party to discuss a conflict, having already developed a relationship
with that party that is characterized by mutual trust and rapport is extremely
helpful. Indeed, the single greatest determinant of whether the conflict
will be resolved constructively is probably the nature of the relationship
between the parties prior to the confrontation. Once I was asked
to coach an executive in how to confront conflict in a more constructive
manner. However, because his relationships with others had deteriorated
so severely, his biggest problem wasn't learning what to say when raising
issues--it was repairing
the relationships. Until the relationships were repaired, anything
he said would raise defensiveness and resistance because his co-workers
had a grudge against him.
This is not to say that
as a manager you will never have trouble dealing with conflict if you pursue
the strategy of becoming everyone's friend. In fact, some of those
"friends" will take you for granted or take advantage of you--especially
if you aren't very assertive in conflict situations.
My point is that it helps
to have a good relationship with the people who you might find yourself
in conflict with before that conflict occurs. Get to know the people
whose work affects your own, and the people who work physically near you.
That's a big group of people. But you'll probably need to approach
a few of them and ask them to reconsider something they're doing someday,
and the conversation will tend to go over better if they know and trust
you than if you are a stranger.
Use
Language That Reduces Defensiveness
When confronting a conflict
you have with another party, constructive communication and "owning the
problem" reduces their defensiveness. The August 29 LeaderLetter
summarized the principles of constructive communication. For instance,
constructive communication addresses problems rather than attacking people,
describes actions and situations rather than judging them, notes specific
occurrences and situations rather than general patterns, follows a consistent
line of discussion rather than jumping around, and involves two-way discussion.
The primary advantage of such communication is that it focuses attention
on a problem to be solved rather than the party who is causing the problem,
which reduces that party's defensiveness.
In addition, "owning the
problem" reduces defensiveness. When you need to confront a party
that has done something that causes frustration, disappointment or any
kind of displeasure for you, you can think of that displeasure as your
problem because you are the one experiencing it. That's what owning
the problem means. Naturally, you can just as easily say that the
actions of the other party are their problem. However, if
you use the language of owning the problem when you confront conflict,
you will improve your chances of resolving it in a mutually agreeable way.
The other party will be less inclined to react defensively if you draw
attention to yourself and the problem rather than putting them on the spot.
When there's goodwill between you and the other party, they will be happy
to help you solve your problem.
Use
All of Your Collaborative, Creative Problem Solving Skills
Viewing conflict as a puzzle
or a problem to be solved collaboratively should help the parties in conflict
find creative solutions. Accordingly a creative, collaborative problem-solving
process should be used.
Note
1. Bouchette, E. (2003, January). Notebook.
Pittsburgh Post-Gazette. January 15, Pg.D-3.
Sources
Whetten, D. A., & Cameron,
K. S. (2002). Developing management skills, (5th ed.).
Upper Saddle River, NJ: Prentice-Hall.
About the Photo
Pittsburgh Steelers coach
Bill Cowher yells at the officials during their AFC Divisional Playoff
game against the Tennessee Titans in Nashville, Tennessee January 11,
2003. The Titans won 34-31
in overtime. (REUTERS/Jim Bourg: e-mailed to me from Yahoo!
News; news.yahoo.com.)
About
the Newsletter and Subscriptions
LeaderLetter is written
by Dr. Scott Williams, Department of Management, Raj
Soin College of Business, Wright State University, Dayton, Ohio.
It is a supplement to my MBA 751 - Managing People in Organizations class.
It is intended to reinforce the course concepts and maintain communication
among my former MBA 751 students, but anyone is welcome to subscribe.
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E-mail Your Comments
Whether you are one of my
former students or not, I invite you to share any insights or concerns
you have regarding the topic of this newsletter or any other topic relating
to management skills. Please e-mail
them to me. Our interactions have been invaluable. Every
week, I learn something new from LeaderLetter subscribers!
Let's keep the conversation going.
A Lame Joke--Who's Kidding Who?
It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions while a woman rushed to help him. When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right honey, I just finished a course in first aid."
The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said,
"When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."
