August 11, 2002

Dear Janet,

Well, you were right. This certainly has been a roller coaster of a year! When I started training as a hospice volunteer I had no idea what I was getting myself into! Just like you said, it can take over your life! There is always so much to do! The people here are lost and don’t know which way to turn. You never feel like you can say “no” to need like that! Especially since I remember how I felt what Sam died. I was so alone and I didn’t know where to get help or who to trust. You were so far way with your own family to worry about. When hospice came in they took care of so many of the details- coordinating his doctor care, having the nurse come, bathe him, check his medication and see how he was doing. They made sure we had food in the house and Sammy had his medication. You probably remember me telling you all about it. It left me free to spend my time with him without worrying over all the little stuff. That was just what I needed! And the best part was the volunteer who used to come just to sit and talk with me. She assured me that all my crazy feelings were normal even when they seemed just the opposite!

It really meant a lot to me when she showed up the morning Sam died. She made all the phone calls, took care of everything, then just made tea and sat with me holding my hand and not saying a single word. Boy, it may not seem like much but just having her there with me until you and Jim arrived made all the difference! And I think you were right about my needing something to get me out of the house. Oh, I still miss Sam of course, but I don’t feel that terrible empty purposeless feeling I did at first. Did I tell you? Just a couple months ago I finished the bereavement training! I bet you are surprised! I know I told you there was no way I was ever going to do that!

Well, I’ve already had a couple of patients and last week I lost the first one. I’ll tell you, I was really scared! Death isn’t usually pretty like the movies want you to think. This old man was delusional and kicking up a fuss like you couldn’t believe at the end. Plus his wife kept trying to feed him stuff! She spent hours in the kitchen making these elaborate dishes ‘cause “Harry loved this or loved that.” Of course, he couldn’t keep a bite down but she kept trying to feed the poor guy. That was her way of dealing with it and feeling like she was doing something for him when no one could, I guess.

Anyway, I was kind of hoping that I wouldn’t be there when he finally passed away. I was a bit scared with it being the first time and all, but Carol called and said that it didn’t look like he was going to last another day so off I went. His wife was really acting sort of crazy, walking circles around the bed and trying to shake poor Harry awake even though the doctor had sedated him. I thought I was in a bad way with Sam but that poor old gal was really scared and not at all ready to let go! When he passed too it was hard! He started seizing and making noise, then he lost control of his bodily functions. I was so relieved when the doctor arrived! And after that it went real quick.

I’ll tell youJanet, after it was all over, it really was a touching thing to be in that house (despite the smell). It was a real privilege to see the tender way she spoke to him and brushed his hair off his face, and to hold her little frail shoulders when they took the body out. I stayed until their kids got there then I went home. I felt like I had been hit by a truck and I got under my quilt and just cried for about two hours straight! But you know Janet, after I was all done with my cry I got up and I thought to myself, “Sue Ann, thirty seven years you worked every day in retail management and today you did the best thing you have ever done in your whole life!” And I felt so good! ³³

Anyway, Janet, I have to run and pick up a cake for one of my patient’s anniversaries. I just wanted to take a minute to drop you a line to say “thanks” and it was a good thing I listened to you ( for once anyway- ha-ha) about volunteering. I miss you so much and I wish you weren’t so far away! Say “hello” to Jim and don’t worry so much about me.

Love, your sister,
Sue Ann

p.s. Won’t you think about flying out here for Thanksgiving?